It's Done

We've been well again...
Though I don't know what he thought nor felt, He'd said that what ever came our ways, no matter what hatred there was between us, I would be still his best friend and so would he. So far, it's been like those in the past. We're just like we were before. The different thing is that now I know what he dislikes as well as he knows what I dislike. Though it's still in the surface, he said he has such a confident that I could change and be his best friend as he desired. Just as I thought, I hope he could change a bit of his personality and be my friend as I've searched this long... One important thing here is that no matter what happens between us, there is nothing final in friendship. This quite change my mood a lot... Thx.

Self...

I'd better be alone, not having one to hold my hands when I'm afraid....

Grief

I had quite a bad conversation last night with my parents because of a physics task. I'm sick of all this stuff! I'd better be alone than to know that all closest persons around me being those who hate me th most and keep pressing me all the time, every second of my life.

Alone

This is not a movie title. This is such a real situation happening to me. I was such a stupid man walking down the street, seeking for someone who wanted to hear me tell my story or just a simple speech I made. It was ridiculous to think about it today. Someone had changed me a lot. However, the changes are tried to be changed again today. I have no idea of what is happening to me nowadays, or recently more suitably to say. It's just strange.... and..... I don't like it at all!!! Something is changing in my community. It's..... weird!!! It's a bit insane.
I have a friend, again I retell this story. I have a friend whose name is xxxxxxx. This one is the strangest friend I've ever had. When he is in bad mood, he will behave rudely to others, include me. But, funnily, when he is in a happy condition, he becomes my best friend. Again, this is a man, not a woman. To tell the truth, this was started the last two months. I didn't know why for the first. But then, after I quite insisted him to tell me the truth, he said that, (I could conclude it with a more polite way) I was .... peep..... (censored). I had no idea at all that I'd done such a thing that seemed bad to others. They never told me. So I tried then to change my behavior. May be I should stop talking from now on (to them). Everything I say is wrong for them. I thought it might be better (the realm). However, it wasn't as I thought. He changed more drastically. He said everything was alright. Yeah... I wish it was alright. I hope so.
The strangest thing happens today!!! I sent him so many sms, nearly 20 messages, distributed to his two cellphone. But, guess what!! He didn't answer the sms I wished he'd answered it. He answered only the unimportant sms-es. I hope everything was alright. He was just.... strange!! I'd apologized to him for everything I'd done in the past for those I consciously did and for those which I did unconsciously. I didn't know anything else to say. Astonishingly, he didn't answer all that kind of sms of mine!! Please, help me!!! He didn't want to meet me at all today. I don't know why.
I know for today and a few days to go, this page can only be seen by one person. That's why I write this now. I hope you read it....
Sad, grieving, depressed.... Those are my condition now.
Btw, I'm sorry to write this story in English again, for I've committed to fill this blog with only English paragraphs.... hehe....

Home

It's a bit like a therapy for me to undergo such a situation in which I learn not to rely on anybody but one in everything. I tried hard so far to face all things alone. I used to ask for much help from those around me. I realized then that this may be quite a wrong choice of my decision.
One thing I like so far is that I've underwent such a situation where I don't regret what has been done and what has happened. I like this last six months. I have a friend, the closest one I've ever had. He'd been the one changing my personality so much. However, not all things go as I thought before. He's going somewhere now, this time. I've been waiting for nearly a month for him to come back home. Nevertheless, it seems useless. He kept saying that all things are OK which, in fact, everything is not OK. He, the one I know since the first, has changed up side down.
But, so far, I'm happy to have undergone such an experience. I will never forget it. It's been my prayer for a period of time, since long time ago, to have a friend who can be my best one, who I thought he would think the same as me. Since I knew the truth, I got depressed and now I tried hard to keep struggling while in fact it keeps "menghantui" me. Knowing all things have been done, I can't do anything to change everything. It's a life. Life keeps going on no matter whether I'm ready or not to face it. I just want to warn you all to be aware of relying on someone, making such a relationship. It could build you up and in the same manner it could break you down...

Chemistry Practicum

Today was the last day for chemistry practicum since we had reached the last title. Bye bye chem.prac!!!! hahahaha...... Though my last score may be disappointing, I'm still happy.

Busy??

You're not busy at all when you feel or think that you're busy with so many things to do.

Sick

I'm sick of this all!!! I was once longing for the true friendship and I thought I've got it. Surely, it overflows me till now. However, guess what, it was destructed all of sudden!!! It was just gone!!! I became a hopeless man, desiring only to give up this life. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried my best to keep the friendship as it was begun 7 months ago. All has changed. All changed!!! Noone can ever deny it!! All has changed!!! In fact, it's still changing now!!!!
The day after I confessed what I felt to him as clear as I could, the friendship was broken. He hated me fully, wholly. Of what reason??? It was because I kicked a cat while it was eating something which I thought not a food. But it was done that time!!! I couldn't go back to the past and repair this stuff.
Amazingly, he changed his mind, seeing my hopelessness. He decided to forgive me, which, I don't know whether it was a complete forgiveness or just a part of the complete forgiveness. As a matter of fact, despite my willingness to have all back to the first step, as we were once building this friendship, he had changed. He didn't care anymore of what I'm facing, of what happened to me, what I was struggling, what I feel, and many more... While, I'm still watching over him, caring his regular life and all his activities, his work, his readiness to face the exam, his meal, his feeling most importantly, his mood as always, and so on.
I don't know why he changed this far while we had made an agreement that we would start again from the beginning like we started this friendship 7 months ago. He was just.... I don't know... What happened to him actually??? Does he have a problem right now???
One thing I learned from this situation is that friendship is such an agreement between two sides with both sides agreeing one thing, that is to walk together and lift the other up when they're down or praising him when he get success. A friend walk right beside his friend, not behind or in front of him. I hope we could be back to the old days... to the happy days of knowing that friendship does mean something to both of us. There were so many trauma in my life about friendship and I hope this wouldn't be the next trauma. I can change to be better...

Friendship---

Sleepy

Ngantuk

Tired

Got exhausted???
It's been quite a long journey of meditation, thinking about stopping my study now to start a new one which I really like, music stuff. I was terribly sick of this all. I hate the circumstances in my campus, the study environment. All I find so far was only selfishness. I just couldn't imagine of how to survive here with such egoism dominating the society. I nearly wanted to quit yesterday. However, my best friend in campus keep encouraging me to go through with this all. The thought I'm relying on is 'not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord."
Keep fighting!!!