Time to Study

It's getting crazier now! Still have faith to survive?? Just thinking about it can make my brain sick. I now my track record in campus is decreasing to a certain point which in the sight of my friends is quite disappointing according to my first semester "IP". I'm too lazy to tell them the real condition I'm undergoing. However, nobody knows or even cares that I have so many task to do despite my lecture in campus and all the tasks in it. I don't know how to survive here with these busy life. It's just irrational as I said before when I was in acceleration class. All the activities, which in fact, none of them is unimportant, are pressing me down to my knees. It was insane to undergo such a path of life this way, from one problem to another one to another again and again for quite a time with many switching in a day. Amazingly, it is for the very seven days in a week. Having faith?? Any courage?? I lay my life down just as if I throw my anchor of faith to the next room, the back one, the sacred one. I have no more strength in my own body and mind to live such a path of life if I rely on my own strength. I just throw the anchor as far as I can, not seeing the next state, just believing the path I have chosen and the path I have to choose for the next state, switching to 0 or 1, binary coded one. Trying to escape doesn't result in anything. It just bring me lower and lower again, blurring my future. Though now I see all things dimly, I just believe that someday I'll see them as clear as sunlight goes through a diamond. Having friend to confide in?? None at all. None could be believed. None is the same. None is even undergoing the same situation even for the type of the busy life. Pacing the path alone sometimes makes me down and kills my courage. Nevertheless, I take it as the path, the only one I have to choose with no other switch to be chosen. Studying to live or living to study? I choose the first one now. I chose the second before. To live is to die the "me" inside. I decide to know nothing but one, that I'm saved for one, and for one I have to "die" of the "me" inside my mind. To know nothing but the real purpose of my life which is absolutely not only to study in the lecture condition or to get as high mark as possible in the sight of geek people in my class whose purpose are so blurred or more visibly not existing in their mind. I choose not the meaningless life as my classmates, some of them, do. What is a mark itself? Is it the real representation of one's effort in the lecture? Does it represent the real value of one's life? Or it just jailed the area of life of the people to converge their life into just one ilogical and meaningless life? Saying that life is to be pace with only courage to survive?? Why? What is surviving anyway?? Is it to live, staying alive?? or just to keep your ego lives and doubles its effect in one's mind? Not caring about the life of others, just choosing to keep one's safety only in one's irrational vicinity? Nonsense!! Life is like a moving electron, to move from one structure to the other and to increase everytime, moving collectively as a wave of particle, not lonely as one's life. Dare to be different and to choose the irrational path...