Chapel This Morning

I couldn't imagined undergoing such an event with this kind of misery. I was told to lead the chapel this morning while in fact I've never done such a duty. This was my first time. I didn't know of what to say in front of everybody. Embarrassingly, I was speechless before everyone in the room. Though it was for only 15 minutes I was that nervous because the people were all children from kindergarten until eleventh grade. Ridiculously, they were just watching me all that time.

Underpressure Holiday

Hari ini detik-detik yang dilalui begitu terasa melelahkan. Percaya ga percaya, hari ini salah satu hari yang paling tidak efektif dari himpunan waktu-waktu yang tidak efektif dari hidup gw. Skrg bandung lagi panas2nya, tp suka tiba2 ujan jg. aneh bgt sih.. Hari ini juga kampus mulai aktif lagi. Himpunan2 mulai terbuka lagi pintunya (beberapa dikunci slama liburan seminggu kmrn). Tp secara gw salah satu kuncennya HME untuk pagi-sore blom k HME lg. Agak males jalan jauhnya dari parkiran motor sih. Enakny ntr klo k HME pasti bersih2 mulai dari nyapu, ngepel, sm rapiin barang2 dalem ruangan utama. Btw, ngomong2 soal belajar, gw dah ada di batas 50% suntuk sm strukdis n matek saking banyaknya teorema2 sm conjecture, lemma, dll yg aneh2 smua (ga jelas gtu pembuktiannya). Tp berhubung mulai mg dpan dah kul lg n kmgknan besar kuis bwt tiap matkul, jd gw blajar deh.. Males jg sih tiap semangat bljr malah jd kebablasan blajar, tp tiap cape bgt kebablasan tidur. Skarang sih msh netral, smbil ntn Looney Tunes Back in Action blajar matek, RE, sm strukdis (selang-seling tergantung mood). Kangen bgt sm tmen2 HME!!!!! Tp balik k kampus brarti smw tgs mulai dikerjain. Hikz... males bgt... mending blajar aja deh drpd ngerjain tgs2 bkn bidangnya (hahaha..mentang2 anak EL..)

A Day of Studying

Yah.. supaya pada ngerti, akhirnya gw ubah bahasanya deh.hehehe...
Hari ini seneng sekaligus sbel banget. Senengnya gara2 dari 24 jam waktu yang ada, 20 jam teroptimasi dengan sangat baik untuk belajar dan refreshing. Sbelnya gara2 gak ngerti2 strukdis yang complexity of algorithm tentang time complexity. Bahasa dewa bner itu bacaan tulisannya Rosen. Overall, hari ini topik Jend Ahmad Yani, A.H. Nasution, Soebandrio cukup menantang petualangan baca. Jadi, selain waktu2 yang ada gw abisin bwt baca Rosen + ngerangkum, gw jg baca bukunya Rum Aly dari perpus HME. Baru 90an halaman sih, tapi pergolakan politik sama darah di bukunya keren abz!!! Semangat deh kalo baca itu buku.. Tapi, tetep harus objektif, jangan terlalu terbawa emosi yang ada di alur cerita bukunya, ntar bisa2 jadi berat sebelah memihak golongan tertentu deh. Yah, pastinya hari ini optimasi waktu gw lebih baik drpd optimasi rangkaian digital ato rangkaian logika frank vahid. Hahaha... Met malem bwt gw...

Brain Problem in the 3rd Semester

However, this is out of electron tasks, I want to write in English again.

I'm now entering such a realm with more tension in every aspect of my life. First, I'm undergoing such a degradation of my brain's health because I hardly understand what the lectures are all about. Secondly, I have a terrible schedule problem. I can't fit all my lecture schedule to my church schedule and my teaching schedule in the international school. As the result, everything becomes ruin. I have no idea of how to resolve this now. The last one, I have to spend more money in unimportant things for lecture.
Going to the first problem, I don't know why I hardly slept late. My body automatically turns my eyes off every midnight. And also I can't concentrate if I have no lunch everyday. I hate this because it wasn't this way last semester. I try to solve this by eating more every evening (after bukpus time).
Next, I always study another thing every lecture. I nearly never pay attention to what the lecturer said since I believer myself to be better in making my brain understand the matter rather than listening to the lecture given in the class. First, they explain the lecture too fast and with another planet's language. Besides, I nearly don't have time to study at home first which makes me study them while I'm teaching or in lecture time. Hehehe...
Help me....!!!!!

Finally I have time to open this page again..hahaha...
Having been through many circumstances so far I realize one thing that everything has to change. It's impossible for one to get stuck in only a particular condition that one going static with the current condition. I'm trying hard to get on with it too. It's been six months since the first start and I thought it would've finished already. But it's still moving until now. Courage and faith is my foundation to keep standing today along with joy and merry. So far I've changed my mindset in term of the reality of friendship. It's changed in fact. Guess what!! (just forget it!!)
Today I have one new house more in Bandung beside my real home here in Cikawao which is HME at the basement of technology laboratory VIII in ITB. It's the largest basecamp/office for a "himpunan" or set in ITB according to the area it has. However, I enjoy being there so much since it has so many LAN cable and there is a bed for anybody to sleep there. I got used to sleep on the sofa in the living room. Funnily, my bad behaviour came along with me yesterday that I hate to see such a condition of messiness there with the books on the floor. That's why I put all the books (according to their genres) in the library cupboard until there was no thick book on the floor except for the MBC books. There I met everybody older than me and had a little chit chat with them. Since then I realize one important thing that we have to run a brief program of making HME beautiful by tiding up the room inside. First, we can start from the main room, the living room in the middle with the little canteen. Then we move to the divkom room. The last one we have to tidy up the WS room. It is so messy!! Hahaha...
It's been three days of fasting for moslems today. Unfortunately, I studied in ITB where every canteen is closed during fasting month. With my crazy schedule I am being the same as those fasting since the first day, last Monday. The one different is that I don't do saur as them that make me starving at noon as always and dying as time approaching adzan maghrib. This makes me join every "buka bareng" with all my friends in EL'07. I like that because I met new circumstances where I can open my mask and start being the real me as I am with my closest friend at church. It's fun indeed!!!! There I found people with no doubt of being embarrasing in front of anybody, showing the real them...hahha... Starting from that point I start to change my mindset of how to interact with friends especially those in the same subject as me. Here I want to build a brand new friendship in HME where I find love and care as the main foundation to move on with the vision and work project of this organization. Later I will tell you a more detail of my new experience here... hehehe...

imagined

Once it was just a dream that soon blew into a reality. Unfortunately, it all changed suddenly. Naturally, I will try hard to chase it again. I've tried in fact. Now I've given up. All I can do now is adjust myself to get used to with it.

I'm Setting My Mind

This is the most difficult time I've ever faced and undergone. I see no hope actually. I see no one able to help and indeed no one wants to involve in it or even know it. It's my new path, no, not mine, it's His, He makes me face it no matter how difficult it is. I don't know why, it's just pressing me all the time. Funnily, He said in 1 Corinthians 7:29-32
"I mean, brothers and sisters, ^F36 the appointed time has grown short; from now on, let even those who have wives be as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no possessions, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord;.."
This is simply talking about our mindset. However, it's still difficult for me to stay confident in this while I feel like my burden is trying hard to intimidate me, blinding me from the path I'm in. It's said that the unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord. So, life is all about pleasing the Lord, not about us. It's not about human matter. It must be difficult for anybody to do. Nevertheless, we just have to do it despite all the world things that come pressing on us. Hehe.... my first post containing bible scripture.

Never Ever Want It Again

That's never been such a disappointing situation such as this, my worst experience. I'm feeling bad about it. I thought I wouldn't be able to go through with this all. But now I'm forced to face it. I'm forced to turn my self into the one I was just before I entered this stage. Unexpectedly, no one realizes this but me. Argh... Where are they saying to stand beside me in any situations? None of them even remember me today. Hahaha... such a ridiculous thing to think.

crazy

All I've been through is just a lie... There has never been such a love in men's heart that's able to forgive and start from the very beginning again. The truth I see here in human life is that all friends are there in only good time, not in the bad time... So lonely...

Holiday??

What a holiday!!!! I could never imagine to undergo such a horrible situation!!!! As a matter of fact, this is a holiday and it's been 2 weeks long. I expect something more than just a holiday actually. But, well... It's been set up. All I can do is just waiting until the prison is over...

Don't know why

You know, family background, the surrounding, neighborhood, school conditions, etc. are the factors shaping one into one's whole life today. So, it's not necessary for anybody to judge one's appearance and personality just by one single look at a very brief time. That's what I'm thinking nowadays. It's difficult to get rid of that accusation everyday. I feel like I've done something extremely bad I didn't even realize. What I know for sure is that there's a very bad damage created lately. However, I have to deal with it indeed.

One Point, One Word

I don't know what's happening now actually. One thing for sure is that everything is changing. All is emerging to the surface. Blaming is the characteristic of this season. Unbelief seems to take place dominantly here. The thing to do is just placing trust in your heart. Even though it's just a person you can trust, don't let trust go out of you. Everything get worse and worse recently. So, don't let trust get rid of you!

Now

It's been eight months since I first change my personality. Believe it or not, it was just like a rolling gear. The surrounding changes me back into I was before I entered the university. Everybody forced me to be alone. I have nobody to trust anymore. In fact, I've had nobody to confide in for such a long time till now. It is ridiculous, isn't it? Everybody around me forces me to look everybody as suspiciously as I can (I think the grammar is wrong... I don't know the correct sentence..). The ones I trust the most leave me one by one secretly. It is undeniable that this happens to me in exams period. I really couldn't concentrate to study. All I can do is just praying that He would take this cup from me... Hehe... (trying to escape)
Since I couldn't trust anybody, I couldn't tell what I'm undergoing now even to those I used to think they are the closest to me. The only think I've done since two days ago is not to eat any food (containing full ingredient for a formal or informal dine). I just drank mizone, water, and milk (milo of course). Yesterday I was forced to eat bread. So I ate it. But today I don't want to eat anything, just want to lament or just forgetting the past step by step 'cause every time I tried to remember those beautiful days I suddenly cried (too melancholic..). However, I have to face it all by myself since I have nobody to stand beside me anymore. Hikz.... Hikz....

Self...

I'd better be alone, not having one to hold my hands when I'm afraid....

Grief

I had quite a bad conversation last night with my parents because of a physics task. I'm sick of all this stuff! I'd better be alone than to know that all closest persons around me being those who hate me th most and keep pressing me all the time, every second of my life.

Busy??

You're not busy at all when you feel or think that you're busy with so many things to do.

Sleepy

Ngantuk

Tired

Got exhausted???
It's been quite a long journey of meditation, thinking about stopping my study now to start a new one which I really like, music stuff. I was terribly sick of this all. I hate the circumstances in my campus, the study environment. All I find so far was only selfishness. I just couldn't imagine of how to survive here with such egoism dominating the society. I nearly wanted to quit yesterday. However, my best friend in campus keep encouraging me to go through with this all. The thought I'm relying on is 'not by might, not by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord."
Keep fighting!!!

My Life

It's a bit difficult to say, but I think it's.....
Just forget it..
"I'd rather have the one than anything.." This is the one I'm struggling to stick to it still. It's a bit difficult in fact with my complicated problems (matters) and my condition now. I still couldn't distinguish whether it's acceptable to have such a relationship or not in the one's sight.
Nevertheless, just go through with it... Don't give up!!! Fight!!!

JOY

JOY!!! That's what I'm focused on the whole today. Some people could read me, that I'm in distressed. But, overall I could overcome it. I pushed back all dominating and distressing things in my mind. All I want to do is just having fun from now on. When I look back to what I'm thinking when I was greatly distressed, it was just ridiculous beside all the relevance with the condition today. I found it more important to please Him than just to struggle with the pressure pressing me. It's true as a matter of fact to undergo such a situation when you find that everybody doesn't want you to be there which finally distresses you. It's just common. But, that's not what I'm talking about. The point is what your decision is, whether you want to live under that kind of pressure and be killed or you want to get out of it and conquer it all. It's just that simple. Enjoy your life bhro.....!!!!